I wouldn’t rewind much. Just a year. Just back to December 5th and redo that all over. I think my brother could have lived if maybe if I could rewind and take him to a doctor. I was doing so good for so long. I really believed I was ok. I had everyone else believe I was ok as well… I know that I’ve been strong and put together because I don’t know how to deal with it, I guess I’ve told myself enough times it’s Ok, I don’t even know. I’ve been crying for 3 days straight and can’t even manage to get out of bed for more than twenty minutes. My poor kiddo is suffering - well, maybe not suffering. Because he has been in bed with me watching videos and eating cocoa puffs out of the box. Speaking of my awesome child, when I start crying he touches my tears and laughs. Then he gives me a big, huge hug and says “Cuddle Mommy.” His laughs and cuddles stop my tears briefly. At least long enough to hand him a snickers bar.
My mom took the week off of the 6th, because she’s not going to be able to function either. When my mom breaks down, it makes me really tense. Like, I can’t fix it. I don’t know what to do. Then I get mad at Evan for leaving us. For doing this to us. Then I get mad at myself for feeling this way. People tell me he’s in a better place and I try really hard to believe it, and I’m sure he is. But damnit, I really liked having him here. In this place. A whole year has almost gone by. The shittiest part right now, is when I think about Evan, I don’t think about the goofiness or stunts he pulled or conversations. My mind instantly goes to that moment when I thought he was just sleeping and when I put my hand on his back to wake him up. The way he felt. I can still feel him on right hand. It’s almost as if my mind has two dueling memory centers. Because when my mind is taken back there, a happy memory will pop up, but then another memory of that day will pop in my head. Does that make sense?
I question everyday why this happened to my family. And not to say that other families deserve it, because nobody does. But I listen to people bitch and bitch about their siblings or that they haven’t talked to their siblings in months. I just want to shake the crap out of these people. They don’t get it, they still have their siblings. And every time, I just want to want to say “At least you have your sibling.” I know that’s wrong, but nonetheless it frustrates me.
In my downward spiral of the past week, I have neglected some projects I am working on. I took down the store, because I just don’t have the energy for it anymore. Anyway, sending peace and love with you until my next update.
